On yer bike

I caught by chance a comment yesterday that sounded more like a plea than a throw-away line.

“If the Liberals were a serious political party you’d think they’d get rid of Tony Abbott as leader”.

This came after the social media sites had been abuzz recently with speculation about a possible challenge from Christopher Pyne.  A challenge that never came.

The same rumour had been circling Canberra for a day or so and it is unusual for a political rumour in Canberra to have no basis of fact.  The rumour had us believe that Pyne was enlisting Joe Hockey to get the numbers for him.  It was either untrue, died in the arse, or put on the back burner.

But one day someone will tap Abbott on the shoulder with this message of doom: “On yer bike”.

Let’s indulge ourselves and assume there was some truth in the recent rumour.  But let us not assume that Pyne might be the only contender.  If there were to be a challenge from whom is it likely to come?

To appease the gossipers I’ll start with Pyne.

Christopher Pyne, the Member for Sturt, is a man who likes to indulge in a daily hissy fit whenever he walks into, or is within cooee of, Parliament house.  It’s hard to believe that this public character reflects the electorate he represents.  The electorate of Sturt is cluttered with the elite suburbs of Eastern Adelaide.  Shopping centre car parks are packed with BMWs and the centres themselves with expressionless peroxide blondes sipping on lattes and doing nothing else but look rich.  Husbands at work won’t be home until after midnight.  The kids are nearby creating havoc.  Spoiled, noisy, demanding creatures who will have no friends once they realise that life and society expect some sort of contribution or sacrifice.  They present a good case for the return of corporal punishment.  They belong to the cohort group that Pyne has clearly been engaging with in his electorate.  His behaviour imitates them.  I wish he’d talk to their expressionless mums; the ones whose opinions are best kept to themselves, if allowed to have one.  Pyne might gain some respect if he imitated them instead.  If elected as his party’s next leader he will follow in the mold of a failed previous leader and idol of his, Alexander Downer.  He is a serious contender but seriously, is a joke.

Joe Hockey’s electorate also represents the upper echelon of well-to-do Australians.  The constituents are much like Pyne’s mob except most of Hockey’s go to Church on Sundays.  They love Hockey as a God fearing Christian, oblivious to the fact he is a complete goose.  His record as Shadow Treasurer is laughable.  His record in the Howard Government was also laughable, being Howard’s hired gun to sell WorkChoices, which ultimately lost him the election.  He can’t do anything right.  He can’t say anything right.  I doubt he knows how to think.  Oddly, he is very popular and will attract a big fan base as leader.  “Joe for PM” will be the slogan of the right.  He is proof that you don’t need brains to be a politician but it’s unfathomable as to how he made it this far.  He too is a serious contender, but also a serious joke.  At least the leadership will remove him from his current position where he is a complete embarrassment.

It’s incredulous that Abbott hasn’t had Robb deported, or jailed, or kidnapped, as he often goes off in different tangents than his party and leader.  Well, his mouth does at least.  He doesn’t attract trust from the wider community and is considered sneaky and devious.  These are great attributes for a Liberal Party leader but I doubt that Abbott sees him as a threat.  Neither do I.  Robb has personal issues and while his honesty in revealing these is commendable, as well as being a rare step towards transparency, there are those within the party who could easily use these to discredit him if he ever became a threat.  That his name is always circled as a potential leader is hence bewildering.  Do they mean ‘stand in leader until his political career is destroyed?’  He joins Pyne and Hockey as a trio of candidates the least likely to lead their party to an election, let alone an election victory.  I can’t see any of them being cut-out for the job.  They lack brains and balls.

And then there’s Malcolm Turnbull.

Malcolm, where’s your balls? 😉