Chick Peas. The Do’s And The Don’ts

Some of you may have seen this previously on my blog site, but I thought it may go down well at the Cafe…. so here it is. It is not my usual type of blog, so bear with me… It is just for fun…..

Before I start, I just want to point out that I take no pleasure in the misfortune of others… (much).

I wanted to share a story with you from my travelling days, that I thought was hilarious, but I don’t know… maybe you had to be there, anyway, here it is.

I was about 27 at the time, and had been working in the UK in a pub putting some money together to take off to Europe for a few months. I was over there with my girlfriend at the time whose name was Lisa. We had saved up enough money to last us for a few months, even with plenty of money left over for lots of grog and misadventure… as you do. We had even saved up enough to buy ourselves a car to drive around the continent in, it was a Talbot Solaro, and it looked a bit like this, except it was Gold (or metallic bog brown).

We had a friend who was staying in London whose name was Sue. Sue was a friendly girl, she had been a goth in a previous life and was clinging onto it a bit, however she was a good looking girl, and was always a laugh to be around.

Now Sue had just broken up with her boyfriend, and decided that she wanted to go to Spain, drink copious amounts of Sangria, meet herself a handsome Spaniard, and get laid. Seeing as we were headed in that direction, she figured she may as well come with us.

So a date was set, a roadtrip planned, the car packed, and off we set, we were headed to Pamplona first for the running of the bulls.

Sue had told us that she was a bit short on cash, so if we weren’t doing anything major we agreed to eat and drink cheap where possible. This turned out to be a little too simple as it turned out.

We stopped at a big supermarket in France along the way to pick up some supplies for dinner, whilst the girls were looking in the food aisles, I wandered over to where all the alcohol was sold. Whilst I was there I formed a friendship with a lovely young girl who was working there giving away samples. Being the nice guy that I still am today, I told her I would keep an eye on her little display while she took a half hour break.

Being the type of bloke that always thinks of others I thought it would really help this nice girl if I helped get rid of some of her merchandise for her. That way she would run out sooner, and then have to go home early. I figured a nice little early mark would really make her happy.

This was going to be tough though, as she was giving away little plastic cups of beer, under her little display stand she had a small keg. Well, I went and got the girls, and some larger plastic cups from another aisle, and we selflessly ripped into it, drinking as much as possible, as fast as possible. It was like a skulling contest for the next 15-20 minutes, I hate to think how much lager we consumed, and for the life of me I still can’t figure out why we didn’t get booted out of the store. Anyway, Lisa picked 3 bottles of the cheapest red wine she could find, and I thought that it would best if we saved the poor girl the embarrassment of having to thank us profusely, so probably best off if we just legged it…

As our journey had been somewhat delayed by having to stop and sober up a bit after our unexpected private keg party, myself and Lisa thought we would stop and find ourselves a place to camp, as we were all staying in tents, and then go out for a bite. We stopped at a roadside Fruit and Veg place so Sue could pick up something to eat, as she wanted to save her money for going out that night to pick up her Spanish man she had talked about non-stop since leaving London.

She jumped into the back seat again and off we went.

As we drove along Sue was saying how clever she was, she’d purchased herself some chick peas at the shop, and was stuffing her face with them. Her theory was that they were cheap, and they expand in her stomach, meaning that she would save a heap of money on food, and therefore have more to spend going out to meet her man. It was all about saving a few quid.

About 45 minutes later we arrived at a campground in a town whose name I don’t remember, it was full of other backpackers, and we found ourselves a spot to put our tents up down the bottom end, reasonably close to the toilet and shower block, and a short stroll from the pool.

As we started to erect our tents, Sue began moaning, groaning and clutching at her stomach, she was looking particularly unwell, and was dealing with some rather bad stomach cramps. She told us that she thought she had eaten too many chick peas, and they were now expanding and causing her grief. Being the considerate guy again, I erected her tent while laughing at her total stupidity.

Unfortunately, Sue’s cramps were only getting worse by the minute, my advice to Sue was to wander over to the bogs and have a good spew. This took some convincing, as she had apparently never attempted the old two fingers down the throat trick before. After about 15 minutes of persuasion, and seeing as though she was constantly collapsing doubled up on the ground holding her stomach, she finally decided to give it a go, after all, she had nothing to lose.

About 15 or so minutes later, we saw Sue walking back with her head down, shoulders sagging, looking like she had just had the wind knocked out of her, but at least she wasn’t holding her stomach. When she got to us, Lisa asked her how it went and what was wrong. Sue replied “Do you think anyone will notice?”

“Notice what?” I replied, although I had noticed she was speaking a bit funny.

Sue looked up and opened her mouth, and I didn’t know whether to laugh at her, or cry for her, so I just sat there with my jaw in my lap for a minute or so dumbfounded. Then I freaked.

One thing that I hadn’t known about Sue, is that when she was a little girl, she had apparently had a rather nasty encounter with the bars on a trampoline. Legend says that she thought that coming down from a great height and trying to bite the rail at the side as she hit it was a good idea, but unfortunately for Sue, despite a valiant effort , she came off second best. The end result of all that was that Sue found herself missing 5 of her top teeth, including the front ones, and the trampoline found itself homeless.

It turned out the chick peas had been expanding at a rapid rate, and such was the pressure building up in poor Sue’s guts, that it only took the slightest touch to her throat, and whammo. The chick peas made their exit with the force of a freight train barrelling back up the tracks in her throat at full speed. Sue, leaning over the porcelain throne on her trembling knees, didn’t even realise that due to the chick peas coming up with such gusto, and in such a rush, that her teeth had gone along for the ride. Alas, it was only after she had clambered to her feet and pulled the chain, with a huge sigh of relief at the release of all that pressure, did she realise that her teeth, and her hopes of picking up, were on their way down the drain to a septic tank.

I have to hand it to Sue, despite being utterly devastated, she still managed to laugh about it amidst the tears. Even she could see the funny side. However, strangely enough, she would not allow any photo’s (she probably regrets that now).

Anyway, her bid to save money, cost her not only the chance to find love (although she had some offers which I’m sure I don’t need to go into), but also an absolute fortune. In order to get new teeth, her parents had to have new ones made back in Sydney from her dental plans, and then flown to London. She waited for them for what must have seemed like an eternity, and needless to say, they cost more than the dinner with us that night would have cost.

As for Spain, it was brilliant. The running of the bulls was absolutely insane, but in the best of ways. We saw a bullfight, and nearly caused a riot as we were booing and abusing the matador, it is a truly sickening spectacle and I advise you all to avoid it. The Salvador Dali museum was also a highlight, that man had more talent in one of his moustache whiskers, than most of us have in our entire extended families….

What’s the moral of the story? Well there’s two, don’t be a tightarse, it doesn’t always pay, and don’t headbutt trampolines, it’s a no win….

Also, if you have false teeth, check before you flush.

85 comments on “Chick Peas. The Do’s And The Don’ts

  1. Wixxy, that is the best laugh.. I could tell you about the time that my boyfriend of the time, all 6′ of him, which is very tall for a height challenged person such as myself broke 2 of my ribs. And yes it relates to the topic..that being a trampoline..of sorts, however he wasn’t Spanish.

  2. This post is rather timely, wixxy. My wife has retired and decided to do some of the cooking. Tonight, in fact. Fortunately I don’t have dentures.

  3. Wixxy, I know of a girl who was boxed into the tent, urgently needed to get out…, with dogs parked right outside….. zip ‘door’ stuck… dogs wouldn’t wake up…

    She did escape …just in time… and no … I’m not saying who she was…

  4. I read somewhere that chick peas were served to the spectators when christians were fed to the lions. I reckon the christians got the better deal. Not sure about the lions.

  5. On a more serious note, albeit off wixxy’s topic, I went to the audiologist today to have my hearing check and aids adjusted. Fortunately my hearing shows only a moderate decline from six years ago. But he said that my aids were nearing the end of their life. That they would be unable to be repaired in the future.

    After some time playing with the computer he was able to get both aids working as they should. I can now hear the rain falling.

    I asked him the cost of new ones….$3000 – $11000 per pair.

    Suddenly I couldn’t hear anymore.

  6. To prove that I’m a multi-skilled male, I’m going to type on my iPad while watching the microwave.

    This is a true story.

    My neighbour back in Adelaide was telling me a story about her grandfather and one of his mates who were out fishing one New Year’s Day. Being New Year’s Day they were both very hungover from the previous night’s festivities.

    The constant rocking of the boat was too much for the other bloke and he lent over the side and spewed his guts up. This was followed by much cursing as he lost his false teeth in the process.

    My neighbour’s grandfather was a bit of a joker. When the other bloke wasn’t watching he took out his own false teeth, secured them to his hook and dropped his line over the side.

    A few minutes later he announced he had a bite and reeled in his line, announcing with much surprise that he’d hooked his mates teeth.

    The other bloke excitedly took them off the hook, put them in his mouth, and then removed them and threw them back in the water.

    “They weren’t mine”, he said.

    True story.

  7. Apparently Spain is a very popular holiday destination, but I’ve never had any desire to go there. Am I missing out on much, besides getting laid by a handsome Spaniard? Not that I have any desires for that either. Nil, in fact.

  8. Pip, I suspect that Migs meant not Antonio Banderas. However, I would be exceptionally suprised if he didn’t mind this one.

  9. wizzy, shocking news, 100 child care workers gone. This when the numbers are already down.

    Cut in money to foster care for those over 16. The reason they cannot afford it.

    I have news for Pru, not been able to afford it ,should not be the problem of foster carers and the children. That is hers and the government’s problem.

    I have been out of the scene for a long time, but I was of the opinion the last minister was getting a lot right.

    Mr. Griener, I have a message for you, this will not save money and will lead to great waste and broken lives.

    I am not so fussed about the glasses. That is a scheme that very few qualify for and is open to abused. Having $500 or what ever the low figure in the bank makes it useless and more expensive to administer than the money that reaches the few pensioners that qualified.

    Saying that, there is still a serious problem that needs addressing.

    This government is fraudulent and stinks.

    There are some things that government have responsibility for and the money has to be found. This is one of them.

  10. Cu, It makes me wonder just how O’Farrell and Abbott can present themselves as fine upstanding Catholics, yet target the most vulnerable citizens to save money.

    The Catholics who live their lives with the purpose of helping others less fortunate must cringe at the mention of these two.

    Christopher Pyne is another one.

  11. I think that the faceless men that should concern us are found lurking behind the NSW government. That is. Greener and MaxWelton.

    Mr. Abbott is looking in the wrong places for the faceless men.

    Pip, it makes one very angry.

    Every Time they get some resemblance of a system that just might work, along comes a new government that tips everything out. Then it through the same process again.

    Abused is not detected. Children suffer or even die. Workers are destroyed.

    Around once again we go.

    There are some things that are essential. Such as health and child protection. It is like the family budget, money has to be found for food. Money has to be found for child protection. It is a given.

    Just watching Capital Hill. They play parts of Abbott and Gillard speeches side by side, comparing what each said. Sounded good.

    The comments in some regard are just stupid.

  12. This one makes one gag, just like those chick peas did to that poor girl.

    wizzy. I do not think I have hi-jacked your thread.

  13. Cu, it’s always the same old story, as Miglo said, it’s about the bottom line, and not an inkling of humanity or compassion for those least able to help themselves.

  14. Miglo, that’s an excellent way to live; life is too short to waste time on people who really don’t matter.

    Friends are never a waste of time, and easily fill the gaps left by the ones who don’t matter. 🙂

  15. Migs, more likely the bull.

    I forgot to add with my gripe, it will be those stupid and incompetent DO”s or Child Protection workers who have no idea what they are doing, who will get the blame.

  16. February 4, 2012 – 00:14 — Admin

    In October 2011 I posted that In NSW 24,000 children may be in care by 2013 and, pointed to reports that the O’Farrell Coalition Government was attempting to squeeze foster parents with children sixteen years of age and over and, cost-shift more of the financial responsibility for these children onto natural parents and the Commonwealth.

    Now JENNY MACKLIN, Minister for Families, Community Services and Indigenous Affairs, Minister for Disability Reform, and

    JULIE COLLINS, Minister for Community Services Minister for Indigenous Employment and Economic Development, Minister for the Status of Women, are taking the NSW government to task in this 2 February 2012 media release.

    Liberals attacking foster and grandparent carers in NSW

    The O’Farrell Government has shown the Liberals’ true colours when it comes to dealing with families and vulnerable people.

    The New South Wales Liberals have slashed $213 a fortnight from the already stretched budgets of foster carers of teenagers aged 16 and over.

    The Minister for Families, Jenny Macklin, and the Minister for Community Services, Julie Collins, today called on the NSW Government to reinstate these payments to foster carers of older teenagers.

    http://www.blogotariat.com/node/245388

  17. Cu, thanks for the links. Towards the end of Jenny Macklin’s comments, she said:-

    The Australian Government also does not support changes to the Child Support Scheme proposed by the NSW Liberals to open up child support arrangements to foster carers.
    These are just more cost-cutting exercises from Pru Goward, who is feeling the heavy hand of Barry O’Farrell on her department’s budget bottom line

    Or his steel toe capped jackboot!

  18. The sun’s over the yard-arm Migs 😀

    PS, I believe you’re quite capable of dealing with a couple of Crows supporters.

    A couple might be your limit though 😆

  19. Back to your story about the chickpeas. A few years ago I had a friend who unbeknownst to me at the time was bulemic. She and her husband came to lunch one day and ate well – having second helpings of most things. She then disappeared to the toilet and was absent for so long that we became worried and dispatched her partner to see if she was ok. Shortly after she emerged and they left, to our surprise. I was further surprised later that day when my husband called out for me to bring some toilet paper. I knew I had replaced three rolls that morning so was very puzzled.

    That evening we noticed a rank smell but couldn’t place where it was coming from but with daybreak the next morning found the source. The sewerage line had been blocked and was seeping up through the drain in the yard. We had to arrange an emergency plumber who had to dig and clear out the line right down to where it linked with the main sewer. The plumber told us the blockage was probably caused by large amounts of paper being flushed down the toilet since he’d had to drag out such a lot of it.

    Later the same day my friend rang and asked if I could have a look around because she had lost a bridging device holding three teeth. We then put two and two together and realised that she had probably been making herself ill in the toilet and using toilet paper to clean up. Needless to say we couldn’t find any teeth but we felt our own teeth had been pulled out when we received the plumber’s bill (unfortunately it was a holiday so rates were higher than normal).

    We varied between feeling sorry for her and annoyed because of the trouble caused. By the way the lunch did not have any chick peas in it, but coincidentally I had just cooked some chick peas when I read your blog!!

  20. Abbey, thank you for that. One of those truth is stranger than fiction stories. The mysterious case of the disappearing toilet rolls.

  21. I sometimes wonder what Migs would do with a Crows supporter

    It would depend on how many chickpeas and toilet paper he has on hand I think, Pip. (I’d be more than happy to help with both, Migs.)

    I’m not too sure who’d be doing the vomiting, though. A surfeit of Tingles supporters would be very trying and conducive to waves of nausea.

  22. When I lived out of Grafton, we would often find enormous green tree frogs in the toilet bowl. I often wondered how they got there. Did they squeeze through the pipework?…no they were too big for that. Did they come up through the enclosed septic tank? Well they were still green. They were hard to catch because they would slip under the lip when a hand approached. And when you flushed their little suction things would hold them in place.

    They were the prettiest of frogs.

    Any ideas?

  23. Rabbit, the same happened when I lived in the Top End. except that it sat on the edge of the bath.
    I never did work out how it came in and out, and yes it was the prettiest green.

    it wasn’t shy, in fact I had some charming conversations with it …

  24. I’ve found frogs hard to talk to, pip. I don’t think they have any teeth. A tad hard to understand.

    Unless of course I’ve had too much to drink. 😀

  25. And I’ll be wearing black and white. Carn the pies. 😀

    Now if we are onto the subject of football, my cousin was Johnny (aka Jerka) Jenkins. No, not the follow on who used the same name who was a Jenkin and not a Jenkins.

    Johnny sadly passed from muscular dystrophy, but this is him:

    http://www.sportingpulse.com/club_info.cgi?c=1-3817-57874-0-0&sID=192306

    I remember Johnny tossing me high onto his shoulders and me imagining that I was reaching the sky. Johnny played firstly for Richmond, then North Melbourne as a ruckman of course. Then quit and became a player coach. He passed away a number of years ago.

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