Australian History

A friend (who until now I only considered a moderate right-winger) sent me (and other progressive friends) this pathetic email:

For those that don’t know about Australian History, here is a condensed version:

Australians originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters and gatherers.

They lived on kangaroos on the plains during the summer and would then go to the coast and live on fish and mussels in the winter. The two most important events in all Aussie history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.

These were the foundation of modern Aussie civilisation and together were the catalyst for the splitting of Australians into two distinct sub-groups:
1. Liberals, and
2. Labor

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture.

Neither the glass bottle nor aluminium can were invented so while our early Aussies were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.
That’s how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night, while they were drinking beer.

This was the beginning of what is known as the Liberal movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned to live off the Liberals by showing up for the nightly BBQ’s and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Labor movement Some of these labor men eventually evolved into women. They became known as pooftas.

Some noteworthy Labor achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that the Liberals provided. Modern Laborites and Union leaders drink imported beer and they like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu and French food are standard Labor fare.

Another interesting, evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, government workers – state and federal, personal injury lawyers, journalists (especially at The Age), ABC staff, and group therapists are Laborites.

Liberals drink domestic beer, mostly Carlton or XXXX. They eat red meat (rare), and still provide for their women. Liberals are police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots, business owners, farmers, Doctors and Nurses and generally anyone who works productively. Liberals who own companies, hire other Liberals who want to work for a living.

Laborites produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. That is why most of the laborites created the business of trying to get more for nothing – and usually plead for government money to fund their unproductive, parasitical activities.

Here ends today’s lesson in Australian history.

It should be noted that a Laborite may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A Liberal will simply laugh, and be so convinced of the absolute truth of history, that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more Laborites – just to piss them off.

And there you have it!!!

What do you think of it?